Excerpt: Great Fryup Dale


0: The majority of hadrons and anti-hadrons annihilate each other at the end of the hadron  epoch, leaving leptons and anti-leptons dominating the mass of the universe.

332BC: Alexander conquers Egypt.

735: Rome is founded.

793: The Vikings invade Britain.

1000: The Madagascan Giant Aye-Aye becomes extinct.

1066: William the Conqueror wins the Battle of Hastings.

1588: The Spanish Armada is defeated.

1776: America declares independence.

1789: Marie Antoinette says of the French peasantry: “Let them eat cake”.

1815: Napoleon loses the Battle of Waterloo and is exiled to St Helena.

1837: Queen Victoria accedes to the throne.

1863: Slavery is abolished in the United States.

1867: Baked Alaska is invented.

1889: Adolph Hitler is born.

1893: Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum is launched.

1895: Wild Man From Borneo, a 10-1 chance ridden by Joe Widger, wins the Grand National.

1905: Einstein discovers the theory of relativity.

1917: Marcel Duchamp’s ‘Fountain’ – a signed but otherwise standard urinal – is submitted for inclusion in a show by the Society of Independent Artists in Paris.

1924: Kansas City Monarchs win the inaugural Negro World Series, defeating Hilldale Club 5-4.

1946: Louis Reard unveils his new skimpy swimsuit design, named after the Bikini Atoll, where the first public test of a nuclear bomb had taken place only four days before.

1948: Grace Jones is born.

1960: The Republic of Upper Volta attains full independence from France.

1960: Icelandic strongman Jon-Pall Sigmarsson is born.

1961: Yuri Gagarin becomes the first human to journey into outer space.

1962: Andy Warhol bemoans the discontinuation of Campbell’s Mock Turtle soup.

1967: Performance artist Charlotte Moorman is charged with indecent exposure after performing Nam June Paik’s ‘Opera Sextronique’ at the Film- Makers Cinematheque in New York City.

1970: The Hamlyn All Colour Cook Book is first published.

1973: Toffifee is first sold in West Germany and Austria.

1974: American heiress Patty Hearst is kidnapped from her Berkeley apartment by an urban guerrilla group called the Symbionese Liberation Army.

1974: Chloe Sevigny is born.

1977: The Rocksteady Crew, described by the New York Times as “the foremost breakdancing group in the world today” is formed by B-boys Jimmy Dee and Jimmy Lee in The Bronx.

1978: The pornographic movie ‘Debbie Does Dallas’ opens as New York’s Pussycat Theater.

1978: Sid Vicious is admitted to hospital in Atlanta after carving ‘Gimme a fix’ on his chest with a knife.

1983: Canadian Cliff Thorburn becomes the first player to compile a maximum break in a World Snooker Championships match.

1986: I win the 400 metres race on high school sports day.

1987: English wrestler Malcolm Kirk, known as King Kong Kirk, dies of a heart attack after being belly- flopped by Big Daddy during a bout at the Great Yarmouth Hippodrome.

1983: The computer game ‘Chuckie Egg’ is released by A&F Software for the ZX Spectrum.

1986 Sigue Sigue Sputnik reach number three in the UK Charts with their debut single, ‘Love Missile F1-11’.

1990: Nelson Mandela is released from prison.

1991: Triloknath Pandit, a director of the Anthropological Survey of India, makes the first peaceful contact with natives of North Sentinel Island.

1992: Jeffrey Dahmer, nicknamed the ‘Milwaukee Cannibal’, confesses to the murders of fifteen men and boys.

1994: The 26-year-old model and actress Anna Nicole Smith marries 89-year-old oil billionaire J. Howard Marshall in Houston, Texas.

1998: Ken Paulie catches a world-record 123lbs flathead catfish in the Elk City Reservoir in Kansas.

1999: The cartoon character Speedy Gonzales is shelved by Cartoon Network due to concerns over ethnic stereotyping.

2000: Crispy Pancakes are voted the UK’s number one retro food, polling three times more votes than nearest rivals Wagon Wheels and Fab ice lollies.

2003: Saddam Hussein is captured near his home town of Tikrit.

2007: The New Frontier Hotel and Casino, the second resort opened on the Las Vegas Strip in 1942, is demolished.

2009: Somali pirates seize the MV Maersk Alabama 240 nautical miles southeast of the Sonali port city of Eyl.

2009: Pukka Pies, the sponsors of the 2009 UK Snooker Championship, present winner Ding Junhui with his body weight in meat pies.

2011: Fidel Castro steps down as president of Cuba, ending one of the longest tenures as one of the most all-powerful communist heads of state in the world.

2017: Taco Bell begins testing its Naked Breakfast Taco, which uses a fried egg as the shell for potato bites, nacho cheese, shredded cheddar, and bacon or sausage crumble.

2017: A truck bomb in Mogadishu kills an estimated 300 people.

Great Fryup Dale (279pp/£12) is available direct from Lulu. It is the third book in the Fryup Trilogy, which also includes Fryupdale and Fryup: a Novel.

Great Fryup Dale

“[W]hat we once considered to be our trash may, after all, turn out to be our greatest treasure” – so said the conceptual writer Kenneth Goldsmith in the introduction to his ‘Publishing the Unpublishable’ [Ubuweb]. “It could be many things: too long, too experimental, too dull; too exciting.. it could be a work of juvenilia.. [or] a guilty pleasure”. Great Fryup Dale is all these things and more: the fantastical detritus of a decade of trying and failing to fashion a meta-realistic sense of place. It is in those very failures that the magic lies. ‘Great Fryup Dale’ proposes a hyper-subjective history for the post-post internet age.

Great Fryup Dale (279pp/£12) is available direct from Lulu. It is the third book in the Fryup Trilogy, which also includes Fryupdale and Fryup: a Novel.